Silence.
It is the reoccurring theme of my nights after the day is done. The kids have turned in for the night and I am left to a room bustling with
Silence.
My husband and I were together for 25 years and married for 15 of those years. I briefly stated before that my husband was a preacher and before that a football coach and teacher. He was the total opposite of silent. He had such a gregarious personality. The life of the party; when he entered a room he filled it with joy and laughter. He was a light. and now all I have is the memory of my wonderful man and….Silence.
The silence is deafening, at times. It can be so loud that I have tried many things to silence the silence; crank up the music, turn on the TV, or call someone on the phone. I realized that there is no escaping the silence. It is my new normal for the indefinite future. So what’s a girl to do? Because I now realize that it isn’t the silence that I dislike; but what the silence does. It forces me to come face to face with the hard truth: my husband is never coming back to me.
The hard answer for me is to face it. I’ve formed a ritual of sorts. Every night after my kiddos go to bed; I take a hot shower, turn on some meditation music, and face the thoughts that come up. It’s not always pretty. I do whatever I feel led to do. I have cried the very ugly cry; snot and all. I’ve talked to God angrily expressing my disdain for being a widow (Why us?). As of late, I have been led to just lay on the floor and bask in the silence. I found that when I embrace the silence, it gives me the opportunity to connect with God at a deeper level. It’s in that moment that I literally turn my hands up toward heaven and let go. Let go of what hurts, what aches, what’s broken. The bible tells us to do that very thing. It says to
“humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon him, for he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:6-7.
Meaning, God wants us to place our anxiety, fear, and frustration on Him. He loves us so much that He wants to relieve us of that burden.
Many nights I am not ok. I miss my husband more than you can imagine. Life is hard trying to figure out how to care for my family spiritually, financially, and emotionally while trying to care for me as I grieve this loss. When I marinate of this scripture, however, I am reminded that I serve a God that loves me and cares about what I am going through. It is ok to not be ok. Own it. And as you do you will find yourself able to sit in the silence and realize your truly not alone. God is there with you and ready to lighten your load.
Sincerely, Anna 