One morning, my son and I were having a discussion about something random as we do so often (oh, the things that come from the mind of a twelve year old!). As we chatted, he asked the question “Mommy, what is the thing you never thought you would be doing right now?” I quickly replied, being a widow at 48 years old.” This has been the reoccurring thought in my mind since January 23, 2023.
This is the day my husband died and my life was forever changed. I was going along as the happy wife of a preacher with three beautiful children to a highly emotional widow of 3 beautiful, now traumatized children dealing with the sudden loss of a husband and father.
Life is full of divine interruptions but nothing is able to prepare you for this one.
I knew that it was possible; but I thought I had time. Oscar and I would talk about growing old together sitting in rocking chairs on the front porch watching our children raise their children and get a great chuckle out of the hard times they would have raising them. We would dream of the moments where we would get to travel to far away countries together without the children and be FREE to experience the moment without the randomness and the neediness that come with raising children. And now, here I am, exactly 9 months into widowhood, carrying a layer of sadness that nothing can shake. I am a woman of faith and Jesus is whom I choose to follow. My relationship with Him grants me peace as I talk to Him about all things pertaining to this season in which I find myself. Jesus gives me peace and strength; strength to even be here on this blog sharing my experiences with you. But peace doesn’t mean that my sadness dissipates; It means, in the simplest form, that the peace allows me to cope with the sadness. I liken this sadness to a partly cloudy day. There are times when the sun is covered by the clouds, causing the sunlight to dim and there are lesser times throughout that day when there is full sun. I’ve always been a glass half full, silver lining kind of girl. I still am, just a little different.
This is what I call my blank canvas chapter.
For the past 48 years (49 on the 29th of October); I have been creating a work of art filled with many colors derived from childhood highs and lows, hurts from past loves to good moments from friendships made and career highs, from Jesus becoming my Lord and Savior to marriage. All of these things created a beautiful array of colors which harmoniously worked together to create the me I was until January 23, 2023. I now have a brand spankin’ new canvas. White. huge. Void of color. I have no idea what to do with it. In widowhood, I find myself relying heavily on Jesus; more than I have ever in life; to show me what, how, and when to paint. I wake up and my first words are “Thank you Jesus for another day. I give it to you to do as you will with it.”
I’m saying all of this to welcome you into my life, a woman who is 48 years of age with three beautiful children and recently widowed. I’ll discuss my husband and how I got here, things I’ve learned along the way and other things that I hope you find to be beneficial and encouraging as we learn together how to cope with grieving a loss.
Sincerely, Anna 